The guiding tail

At 5, while bouncing the soccer ball on the wall of my room, I asked myself if I'll be me when I become 10. At 10 while holding the mirror, while laying upside down on the stairs, I looked at my self, in the eyes and tried locate any specs of hair on my chin. I realized that I'll remain the same when I become an adult. It bothered me. How can I remain and become? How can I remain this, while I am constantly becoming that.

Everything that I wondered as a child trailed me to my current addiction to constant thinking. I never dealt with transitions very well. Yet I constantly put my self in situations that made it mandatory for me to experience one.

About this trailing, when did I begin to become me? When is it that lack of self conscious inhibition, that total naturalness pauses and one supposedly becomes master of his own destiny? When did "I" take my life out of cruise control and begin to manipulate it according to "my" wishes, "my" standards, and "my" existential outlook of what a "life" should feel like?

The trailing began for its own sake, at some point out of somewhere, extra (outside) realm of natural intuition. I propose my world is thus because of something that happened. Nurture can be traced back to a state that to a naked eye looks completely detached from any manipulation, alternation and seems to be totally natural. I propose the first day at school, the firs time you got a hair cut, the first time you cut your finger, first time you wore shoes with shoe laces, the first time you took a shower, first light at the hospital, the first song you sensed in the womb, all are causes. They caused you to be directed some how, some way.

True genuine wills bring about a vastly more diverse world population than we have today. Our past trail us and the true self, that self discovery everyone is talking about, is acknowledging that ever so disappearing tail that seems to mark a trail when we go through deserts and wetlands of life. Its a mistake to think its marking a trail. A genuine life lived, follows the trail from the moment of departure "back" to the moment of cognizant birth.